To be positive to make Joy-艾薇

David：

“After I got divorced I went through a horrible stretch of depression. I didn't understand what that felt or looked like until that time. For me it was like carrying around weights all day long. I moved slower. I sat or laid on the couch a lot. I didn't eat much. It was a hell of a diet. I remember going to bed at 7:30 and waking up at midnight. On work days I arrived at school sometimes at 5:00am and sat in a dark room silently. It was the physical toll that sticks in my mind.

The thing that dragged me out of this funk was mostly guided meditation on Insight Timer. It's a phone app. It was the first thing my yoga teacher Maureen advised me to do when I spoke to her on the phone. She told me to download the app. It might have saved my life. There were a couple specific teachers that had a big impact on me. Noah Elkrief is the one that helped me the most. His talk on how to get over a break up was my favorite. I listened to it over and over. The key component that spoke to me was that we can't make other people happy. That's a statement that yields some confrontational conversations. I believe him. Sarah Blondin was my second favorite. Her mediations on facing change had a big impact on how I see the future. Change can lead to a better place. Perhaps not so comfortable at first, but a better world if we open ourselves to the possibilities.”

离婚后，我经历了一段可怕的抑郁期。直到那时我才明白那是什么感觉。对我来说，这就像整天背着重物一样。我走得慢了些。我经常坐在或躺在沙发上。我吃得不多。这是一个地狱般的节食。我记得七点半上床睡觉，半夜醒来。在上班的日子里，我有时早上5点到学校，静静地坐在一间黑暗的房间里。让我印象深刻的是身体上的伤害。

把我从恐惧中拉出来的主要是洞察计时器的引导冥想。这是一个手机应用程序。这是我的瑜伽老师莫林(Maureen)和我通电话时建议我做的第一件事。她让我下载这个应用程序。它可能救了我的命。有几位老师对我影响很大。诺亚·埃尔克里夫对我帮助最大。他关于如何走出分手阴影的演讲是我最喜欢的。我听了一遍又一遍。我认为最关键的一点是，我们不能让别人快乐。这种说法会引发一些对抗性的对话。我相信他。莎拉·布隆丹是我第二喜欢的。她在面对变化时的思考对我如何看待未来产生了很大的影响。改变可以让世界更美好。也许一开始不太舒服，但如果我们敞开心扉，接受各种可能性，世界就会更美好。

备注：我似乎明白了David跟众多人交往的目的，也明白了今天一早，他为什么发给我这样的信息。

如果说这是一场双向治愈，感谢上帝，我并不后悔认识David。

因为这些年，至少长达10年的时间里，我在极度不安全感的深渊里挣扎，经常会在夜里惊醒，面对无边的黑暗哭泣。一种做了7年多的梦，同样的场景，一个人跋涉在布满砾石的、荒凉的、巨大空旷的旷野里，身边没有一个人，心处于谷底。我经常从梦里惊醒，然后陷入无边黑暗之中，感觉很无助，甚至连呼吸都很困难。

这些年，我一直渴望能抓住一根稻草，甚至在耳朵听力出现问题的时候，对高压氧仓里认识的人产生了深深的依赖。我的内心极度渴望有个人能与我在旷野里一起行走。可惜，我并没有遇到这样的人。

我最害怕失去父母，他们是我在这个世界上唯一留念的东西，甚至自私的祈祷自己能先于父母而去。因为我无法承受这巨大的痛苦，爱情可以不要，失去爱我的父母，这一关，对我不亚于生死。

曾经在徒步的路上，面对悬崖绝壁，我的背包顶在岩壁上，脚下就是万丈深渊，也许就一秒，我就会坠落，幸好同伴及时用手掌支撑起我的双脚，让我在人世间又苟活了这些年。我的内心已经千疮百孔。

这这场情绪的对抗中，无论谁获益，都是上帝的恩典。
If it was a two-way cure, thank God, I don't regret knowing David.

Because for years, at least a decade, I struggled with deep insecurities, waking up in the night and crying into the darkness. A kind of dream for more than seven years, the same scene, a person trudging through gravel, desolate, vast empty wilderness, no one by his side, heart at the bottom of the valley. I often wake up from dreams and fall into darkness, feeling helpless and struggling to breathe.

Over the years, I had longed for a straw, and even developed a deep dependence on people I knew in the oxygen chamber when I had trouble hearing. My heart longed for someone to walk with me in the wilderness. Unfortunately, I did not meet such a person.

I was most afraid of losing my parents. They were all I had left in the world. I even prayed selfishly that I would die before them. Because I can not bear this great pain, love can not, lose love my parents, this pass, to me no less than life and death.

Once on the hiking road, facing the cliff, my backpack on the top of the rock wall, at the foot of the abyss, maybe just a second, I will fall, fortunately, my partner in time with the palm of the hand to support my feet, let me in the world and survive these years. My heart is full of holes.

In this emotional confrontation, whoever gains, it is God's grace.